Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
