she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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