i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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