Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
