My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Randomize
