Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
