I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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