When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
