I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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