I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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