life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
