I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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