First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
