she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
