he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
