He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
