I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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