Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
