ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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