Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize