so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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