There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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