I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
