woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
