just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
