He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize