tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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