how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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