Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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