i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
