The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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