1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
