I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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