see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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