I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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