So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize