I wish I only lived at night.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
a search helicopter?!
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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