So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
