2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
