I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize
