There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
