So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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