I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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