Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
