I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
