he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize