Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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