If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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