Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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