Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Found your dick twin last night
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Randomize
