Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
