i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
so that wasnt chicken after all
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
