Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
