Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
honey bunches of taint.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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