I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
